even if it's painful
by lavaduck
Summary: Didn't think I was ever gonna write another fic, but here I am! Another ending rewrite, this time for Doki Doki Literature Club (altering the ending of the initial playthrough of the game). Probably contains several inaccuracies as well as extremely rough/inconsistent writing, but I'm satisfied with it overall. Minor content warning for disturbing themes related to SPOILERS
1. Chapter 1

" _I'm supposed to be happy right now…I always thought this would be the happiest moment for me._

" _But why…? Even now…Why won't the rainclouds go away? They're not going away at all…"_

It's been ten hours since Sayori uttered those words, and they're still gnawing at my brain. This entire day has been a whirlwind – going over to Sayori's house, hearing about her struggles with depression, Yuri coming over and helping her with festival preparations for the literature club (and the awkwardness that ensued), and finally, that moment…when I confessed to Sayori that I love her. And even amidst all of that, it's those words she said to me, after I told her how I felt, that haunt me.

" _You're worrying too much,"_ part of me says. _"It's not like you can magically cure her depression in an instant. All you can do is try to support her."_ But another side of me refuses to let it go. _"She was still so upset! There must have been something more you could have done!"_

I shake my head and sigh in frustration as I glance over at the clock. It's two-thirty in the morning. I'm used to staying up far later than I should, playing games and watching anime, but even this is a little much for me. And the mental fatigue of being tortured by my own thoughts, compounded by the lack of sleep, is going to make me all the more exhausted in the morning.

Shutting my eyes shut as tight as I can, I pull the covers up over my head and try to clear my head. If only things could go back to how they used to be…


	2. Chapter 2

The blare of my alarm unpleasantly jolts me back into consciousness. It seems I did eventually drift off to sleep last night, but I'm still tired as hell. I hastily shut it off and slowly drag myself out of bed, rubbing my eyes in a futile attempt to make myself feel awake more quickly.

As I stumble wearily through my preparations for school, my senses start to clear and yesterday's events come rushing back into my mind, along with that nagging worry about Sayori. After everything that's happened, and now that we're (it still feels weird to say it) a couple, what do I even say to her? I'll probably have some time to think about it, since she probably overslept again and we won't see each other until school, and then things will be really busy with the festival-

Oh, right, the festival. I'd totally forgotten about that…but whatever. I'll worry about that when I get there. Sayori and her health are more important, and I'd rather focus on that.

I walk out to our usual meeting spot, and sure enough, she isn't there. Typical, I think to myself. Even on such an important day as this, she overslept…but then I catch myself, remembering what she told me:

" _Most days, I can't even find a reason to get out of bed."_

Immediately, I feel deeply regretful of the thought I've just had, and all the times I've had similar thoughts. I'd always chided her for being late, but all this time I had no idea what she'd been going through. And my constant scolding probably just made her feel worse about it. Ugh, what an idiot I was…

Dwelling on these thoughts, I get a dreadful feeling in my gut. _"What if…no, she wouldn't…would she? But…"_


	3. Chapter 3

The unwelcome thoughts quickly give way to full-blown panic. Without warning, as if my body is acting on its own, I sprint towards Sayori's house and begin frantically banging on the door.

No answer. My heart is now pounding rapidly. "Sayori! I'm coming in!" I shout. Still no response. I open the door and bolt up the stairs as fast as my legs will carry me. Reaching her bedroom door, I start hammering on it with my fist. "SAYORI!"

From the other side of the door, I hear only faint noises. Fearing the worst, I throw the door open and am met with a horrifying sight:

Sayori is hanging from a rope tied around her neck, and she's not breathing! Instantly, I notice her wide, fearful eyes, which indicate that she must still be conscious. I rush up to her, grab her by her waist, and lift her up, loosening the rope around her neck. Her body immediately responds with a large and desperate gasp for breath.

"Sayori! Why?" I stammer, as tears start to stream down my face. It doesn't occur to me in the moment that she's in no shape to respond, considering she wasn't breathing just a few seconds ago. I'm barely able to hold her up high enough to keep the rope loose and allow her to breathe, but I can't reach high enough to get it off of her neck. Frenetically, I rack my brain, trying to figure out how to get her down safely.

Mercifully, as if by the grace of some higher power, I notice a chair sitting nearby on the floor, which is probably how she got up there in the first place. I'm just barely able to reach my leg out and pull it over to where she's hanging. I position it underneath her and let her down, and her legs are able to reach the seat while still leaving some slack in the rope. I step up on the chair in order to reach the rope and remove it from around her neck.

Thankfully, Sayori is still conscious, but obviously in a very dazed state. "I…I…" she begins to stutter, but I quickly shush her.

"It's okay," I tell her softly. I'm starting to feel a bit calmer, now that she's safe, but I can still feel my body trembling. "Just let me help you. Please…"

I slowly ease her off of the chair and onto the floor before helping her onto her bed. Pulling my cell phone out of my pocket, I dial the number for emergency services. As I try to explain the situation in as composed a manner as possible, Sayori lets out a faint cry, seemingly in protest, but she's clearly too weak to make much of a fuss. I place a hand on her shoulder to try to calm her down. "It's going to be alright, Sayori," I tell her. "Please, just trust me…"


	4. Chapter 4

The paramedics arrive within fifteen minutes. I find myself feeling grateful that we live in a well populated area.

They spend the next few minutes checking her vitals and questioning both of us on her condition. Whether it's because she's unwilling or unable, Sayori doesn't speak much, so it ends up falling on me to try to explain the situation and her condition to the best of my ability. Inevitably, they ask if she's shown any signs of depression, and I answer honestly, which Sayori objects to. I give her an apologetic glance, but I know this is for the better.

In the end, they determine that she should be fine, and probably hasn't suffered any long-term damage. I breathe a heavy sigh of relief. They still want to take her to the hospital to evaluate her more closely, which I expect Sayori to protest, but it doesn't seem like she has the energy left to do so.

As the paramedics help her into an ambulance waiting outside, I'm caught off guard by an unexpected vibration from my cell phone. I quickly check it to see texts from both Natsuki and Yuri. _"Oh crap, that's right, the festival…"_

"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU AND SAYORI?" Natsuki's text practically shouts at me, while Yuri's asks the same question in a slightly more reserved manner. I'm not sure what to say to them, if anything at all. They are her friends, and our fellow club members, but I'm not sure how Sayori would feel if I told them about what just happened. Still, I think they deserve some kind of an explanation…

"She's in the hospital," I reply to them both.

Despite my pleading, I'm not allowed to go in the ambulance with Sayori, so I'm forced to follow them to the hospital. As I head out, my phone rings. It's Natsuki. I answer.

"H-"

"OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED IS SHE OKAY WE'RE ON OUR WAY I-"

"She's fine," I interject. "I'll explain everything when we get there." Before she can start shouting at me again, I hang up. No doubt that'll piss her off, but there's no way I can just tell them what just happened outright, for Sayori's sake. That's something I have to leave up to her to decide.

Natsuki calls back, but I just ignore it and silence my phone. I need to figure out what I'm going to say to them before I get to the hospital.


	5. Chapter 5

Upon arriving at the hospital, I ask the front desk about Sayori. As expected, they tell me I can't go in to see her just yet. I take a seat in the lobby shortly before Natsuki and Yuri pass through the front door.

Natsuki immediately runs up to me and punches me in the arm. "DON'T HANG UP ON ME, YOU JERK!" she yells.

As I recoil in pain, Yuri tries to calm her down. "P-please, Natsuki, don't make a scene" she stammers. In spite of the commotion, both of them are clearly shaken and upset.

The realization of a certain person's absence suddenly strikes me. "Um…where's Monika?"

"She said she was going to cover for us," Natsuki answers, "since we're ditching school and all. But she said she'll be here later."

I guess that makes sense, but something feels odd about it. Shouldn't Monika be more concerned about Sayori, being the club president and all? But I guess I should probably worry about Sayori than why Monika isn't here, so I don't press the issue any further.

"So, um," Yuri stutters, "you said you were going to explain…what happened…"

" _Right…"_ I do my best to remember the version of the events I had thought up on the way here before I start speaking:

"Well, I'm not really sure exactly what happened" I lie. "I went over to Sayori's house to wake her up this morning, because I didn't want us to be late to the festival. When I walked into her house, I heard her crying, so I rushed into her room and she was on the floor, clearly in pain. So I called her an ambulance. That's pretty much all that happened."

"You didn't have any idea what was wrong with her?" Natsuki asks, clearly skeptical.

"I was too freaked out to think rationally" I reply, somewhat honestly, "and she wasn't really able to say anything. I was just trying to make sure she was okay until the paramedics showed up."

"I hope it's not anything serious," Yuri adds solemnly.

"I don't think so," I assure her. "They said that she's going to be fine."

Our conversation is cut short as a nurse walks up to me. "You can go visit your friend now, if you want," she informs me.

"Thank you," I tell her, and motion to Yuri and Natsuki. "Is it alright if they come too?"

She nods, so we all get up and start walking.


	6. Chapter 6

The three of us quietly filter into the room – I go in first, followed by Natsuki and then Yuri. Sayori glances at us as we enter, sitting in complete silence. Looking at her closely, I can see that she's trembling, but before I can find something to say, Natsuki starts shouting.

"Sayori! Are you alright? We were so worried about you! You're not hurt, are you? What happened?"

Though I can clearly sense her discomfort, Sayori tries her best to appear calm and forces a smile. "I-I'm fine" she assures Natsuki. "I was just…feeling unwell this morning, is all. I'm sorry to have made you all worry…" she continues, as her eyes begin to droop slightly.

"Y-you don't have to apologize," Yuri stammers in reply. "We're your friends; of course we're going to be concerned about you."

"But because of me, you all had to miss the festival," Sayori laments.

"Who cares about that!" Natsuki yells out, then quickly composes herself before continuing: "You're way more important…than some stupid festival."

Upon hearing that, Sayori puts on a huge smile, but I can tell she's faking it. I think back to all her words about how painful it is for others to care about her. She must be torn up inside right now. I decide to step in.

"Natsuki…Yuri…would you mind giving Sayori and I a moment alone?"

Natsuki looks shocked. "Huh? But…"

Before she can go on, Yuri steps forwards. "I-I think that's a good idea. Let's go, Natsuki."

While she doesn't look very pleased, Natsuki reluctantly agrees, and she and Yuri exit the room. As soon as they are out the door, Sayori's façade of stability immediately crumbles, and she bursts into tears.

"Why?" she sobs, with tears streaming down her face. "Why did you have to…why couldn't you just let me…everyone would be better off without me…why?"

"H-how could you say that?" I answer in shock, and I begin to feel myself lose my composure as well. "You're my best friend, Sayori, and I-I couldn't bear to lose you…so why would you-"

"Don't say that!" she interrupts me, screaming. "You can't…it hurts too much…please…"

Before she can say any more, I quickly sit next to her, wrap my arms around her, and hug her as hard as I can. As I do, her crying subsides, but now my own tears are beginning to flow.

"I know," I choke out between snivels. "I know it's hard for you, to go on living, that it's painful to be cared about, but…" I pause, as my crying turns to full on bawling: "that doesn't mean that I can stop caring about you! Natsuki, Yuri, everyone…we all care about you! And we want to help you…no matter how hard it is."

"But I can't…" she weakly pleads, "no matter what I do…it won't get any better…I can't make everyone waste their time on me…it's too painful…"

"You're not making anyone do anything," I assure her. "We're choosing to support you, no matter what happens, because you're our friend. Please, even if it's painful…please let us try to help you, however we can."

Sayori looks like she's still trying to protest, but her exhaustion is starting to overwhelm her. She softly exhales, and quietly sighs: "Okay."

My tears finally slow, and I manage a faint smile. "Thank you."

Since she's clearly very tired, I release her from my grasp and start to get up off of the bed. "You should get some rest," I tell her. "We'll be back later."

"Yeah," Sayori agrees, nodding in agreement as she lies down.

Before I leave, I lean down towards her and put my hand on her shoulder. As she looks at me, a bit puzzled, I place my lips next to hers and kiss her.

"I love you, Sayori."


End file.
